Lettiekonfetti's Blog

what do i choose today? will i be mad (because i’ve got reason to be) or will i be sad (because it is a sad thing that happened).

if i get mad i will not feel bad. attitude like that cannot expect anything else! but if i get mad, i will once again be the bad guy and will prove the label on my back to be justifiable… i am already the black sheep…

maybe i must come to terms with the fact that i will never have a fair chance of being respected in certain households. that i must come to terms with the fact that MY family will never be seen as a REAL family by certain families. that i must come to terms with the fact that how WE choose to go about our household-rituals and how we handle our private business, will NEVER be respected by certain people.

so yes, i’ve got all the reasons in life to get mad.

but today – to stay sane – i have to choose to rather be sad!!

this morning on my way to work i came to the conclusion – after about a very difficult 50km’s of driving through traffic – that there are a lot of limitations in life. in traffic i am limited by speed regulations, availability of space to move, other vehicles, weather conditions, etc.

(i just need to cofirm that i know that i am more than only gay. because of the purpose of this blog, i mostly write from this specific framework of context)

my mind went on to the topic of limitations. we are limited as humans by society, ourselves, structures, culture etc to either male or female, gay or straight, beautiful or not-so-beautiful. yes, we do not have to limit ourselves and our understanding of who we are, but fact is – we are put into little boxes…

while i was listening to a cd, i heard the quick phrase – my sould does not have a specific sex. my soul has no sexuality. and i realised something as for the first time:

my soul is what is important to God. my soul will live for eternity. my soul has no sexuality.

therefore i will not limit myself, my self-value, my abilities, my confidence, my calling, my ministry, my contribution – whatever.

and i will not be limited by society or individuals, as i know who i am in Christ Jesus.

wat
wat as
wat as ek
wat as ek jou
wat as ek jou so
wat as ek jou so liefhet
wat as ek jou so liefhet dat
wat as ek jou so liefhet dat ek
wat as ek jou so liefhet dat ek my
wat as ek jou so liefhet dat ek my lewe
wat as ek jou so liefhet dat ek my lewe vir
wat as ek jou so liefhet dat ek my lewe vir jou
wat as ek jou so liefhet dat ek my lewe vir jou sal
wat as ek jou so liefhet dat ek my lewe vir jou sal gee

sal jy My dan glo dat My genade vir jou genoeg is?

“God het die wêreld so lief gehad dat Hy sy enigste Seun gegee het, sodat dié wat in Hom glo, nie verlore sal gaan nie maar die ewige lewe sal hê.

bekende woorde… wat as dit jou insluit…

(want dit DOEN – net om met geen onduidelikheid af te sluit nie)

ek gee noggals om as mense nie vryheid het om te wees wie hulle is nie. sommige mense bevind hullself in posisies waar hulle regtig nie veilig is om uit die kas te kom nie.

wat my hart egter vasvat is die feit dat daar regtig mense is wat nie hulself die vryheid gun om hulself te wees nie.

mense wat kies om in die kas te bly omdat hulle bang is dat die prys dalk te hoog is. mense wat vrees vir diskriminasie en die risiko om gemarginaliseer te word.

en ek WEET dit is nie ‘n eenvoudige saak nie! ek het self vir baie jare weggeskram van die waarheid, wou myself oortuig dis moontlik om ‘n leuen te leef – selfs ‘n dubbelle lewe. maar die prys het te hoog geraak – ek kon nie meer in die kas leef EN opreg voel nie… ek kon nie meer van ander verwag om eerlik te wees, maar ekself leef ‘n leuen nie… ek kon nie meer vir ander preek oor deursigtigheid en self skadukolle he nie.

ek gee noggals om wat God van my dink. daarom het ek ‘n punt bereik waar ek Hom moes toelaat om my te verander. ek moes Hom toelaat om Sy onvoorwaardelike liefde aan my te bevestig – selfs al IS ek gay, het Sy Seun steeds vir my gesterf. die oomblik wat ek dit self aanvaar en vrede gemaak het daarmee, het Hy nie opgehou om vir my lief te wees nie, het Hy nie Sy genade van my onttrek nie, het Hy nie probeer om my straight te maak nie…

God het noggals genoeg vir my omgegee (en steeds) om Sy omgee in my te sit, sodat ek vir ander kan omgee…

ek gee om of jy in vryheid leef of nie…

ek wens ek kan jou vanaand hier by die naam noem dat jy kan weet ek praat met JOU! al wat ek kan se is, dat ek jou respekteer vir die lewe wat jy gekies het, alhoewel ek sien hoe die mure om jou al hoEr gebou word en die mense na aan jou al hoe moeiliker by jou uitkom…

ek gee noggals om of jy in vryheid leef of nie…

one day not many years ago when i organised a trip with students to the holocaust museum in cape town, it actually was the first time i realised that gays and lesbians were part of the historical nazi German murders in the early 19’s… i truly did not know that – and it really shocked me…

when i read the article on http://vuurkairos.wordpress.com/ about the uganda anti-gay laws, i was shocked again. it seems like we are re-living history… what on earth are people thinking! where does this come from? how on earth can the world go back to one of the world’s biggest shames? how can humankind revert to being so immature that the only way we feel in control of what we are insecure about, is to overpower people with laws and murder and power… haven’t the world be found guilty of enough violation of human rights, the right to live, the right for every human being to live…

I am not sure how to react to this… all I know is that this madness must be prevented…

how do you survive a year if the days left is more than the engergy left? how do you survive a day when the work left is more than the hours left?
how do you survive life if the demands left is more than the guts left?

today is going to be a tough one…

but i know i will survive. i know that if i ask life to provide enough energy, hours and guts, life will provide it. i know if i claim energy, hours and guts, i will find it.

may YOU too survive today!

ek reken ek is 1 van die bevoorregtes wat gemaklik in my werkplek myself mag wees. nie 1 van my kollegas (okay, ons is maar net 5 wat hier werk) het enigsens ‘n ongemaklikheid of issue met my gay-wees nie…

inteendeel – hulle is so inclusive wanneer daar gepraat word oor ons eggenote – daar word altyd na beide manlike & vroulike ‘partners’ verwys (ons is NET 5 vrouens wat hier werk…)…

ek wil sommer net vandag dankie se vir daardie werkplekke waar ALLE mense net MENSE kan wees… dankie kollegas dat julle wys dit IS moontlik – selfs binne ‘n “christelike konteks” om mense die ruimte te gun om hulsef te wees!

en DANKIE dat julle my nie spesiaal of anders hanteer as voor julle uitgevind het ek is met ‘n vrou getroud nie… julle is great!

i have worshiped God since i can remember. at times it was more devoted, other times i neglected the privilege, but mostly i grew in my approach, methods and resources to worship Him. but as long as i can remember i find ways to worship Him that make sense to me – things / ways that connected with my frame of mind, my circumstance, the space and reality i am in and the resources available to me. i have worshiped Him in the past with different agendas/reasons (i’m honest) – sometimes i did it because i read the bible literally that stated i need to worship Him even i did not feel like it, when i needed answers, when i found myself in distress / trouble / uncertainties, i worshiped Him because that was my only focus in life (at 1 stage in my life), i worshiped Him out of total (blind?) devotion, because my work environment allowed me the privilege and space and time to do so…

over the years i have devoted my life to God in different ways. and this devotion was always characterized by the environment i am part of and that i am trying to influence. mostly it synchronized with the purpose of my work and my work environment.

for many years i have worked directly within the church structures – very deeply tugged away in the closet (even to myself). after i came out of the closet (to myself and the rest of the world later on) it became a strain to worship – i MUST be honest!

i’ve asked myself numerous times ‘why’. why was it more difficult? did God suddenly changed His mind on how He receives my worship efforts now that i know who i am (how/who/what He created me to be)? did i feel uncomfortable to stand before God and worship without feeling different in His presence? did i feel guilty about the way i am?

then suddenly this morning as i was driving my 70k’s to work it came to me as i have never seen it before… i realized that not me or God have changed. He is still my Creator and i am the same person worshiping Him for almost 40 years.

what DID change, was other people’s perceptions of my relationship with God. their uncertainty what to do with my honest and transparent worship to the same God they worship. their lack of ability as how to link their literal interpretation to scriptures to my witness of being a committed gay believer.

i am not writing this to show any fingers. i am not writing this to convince anybody. i am not writing this to throw stones. i am not writing this to create any guilt trip.

i am writing this to worship God for the light-bulb-moment He gave me this morning on confirming my relevant and valid relationship with Him. i worship Him through this for the grace and love He bestowed on me to have the invitation to still worship Him – even though He opened my eyes for who i am… let me therefore not be the judge of those who judge me…

to Him be the only glory – to Him be the only judgment day…

mag engel Gabriel jou altyd beskerm, vir jou goeie nuus bring en altyd daar wees aan jou linkerhand om jou by te staan…

My Love, jys heeltyd in my hart!

binnekort gaan ek opstaan uit my gay stoel, my gay kantoor verlaat, in my gay kar klim, my gay radio aansit, na my rustige gaymusiek luister en na my gay huis ry en ‘n gay naweek saam met my gay vrou en my gay kinders voor my gay tv met ‘n gay pizza en gay movie-aand deurgbring tot ek in my gay bed aan die slaap raak in my gay pajamas. ek gaan opstaan en my gay skoene aantrek en met my gay girls gaan stap deur my rustige gay buurt, ‘n heerlike gay ontbyt kom eet saam met my gay familie en ‘n lui gay saterdag by my gay huis deurbring. sondag spring my gay vrou op ‘n gay vliegtuig en gaan werk in ‘n ander gay provinsie – ver weg van haar gay vrou en gay girls en gay huis…

is dit nie ongelooflik irriterend as mense soms VASKYK in die feit dat jy GAY is nie? dis asof NIKS anders saakmaak nie…